an excessively long (and excessively typical) interaction

Me: Hmm. Maybe I’ll check the headlines real quick, before I brush my teeth.
The Guardian: You can keep reading for free, but please do consider supporting us.
Me: Um. I thought I had a subscription. Can I look at my billing info, please?
The Guardian: Okay, but you’ll need to re-enter your password.
Me: types in password
The Guardian: Very good. Now, can you click all the boxes with traffic lights for me?
Me: clicks the traffic lights
The Guardian: Great. And can you help me find all the squares with motorcycles?
Me: clicks on the bloody motorcycles
The Guardian: What about buses? Can you show me where the buses are?
Me: clicks on every last bit of bus
The Guardian: Here’s that information you said you wanted. Your subscription will auto-renew in April of 2025.
Me: Can I see the headlines now?
The Guardian: YOU MIGHT BE POOPING WRONG
Me: fucks off to the bathroom to poop in a way that’s nobody’s business but mine